"America's Next Top Model" aspirants are shocked -- shocked! -- that boozy nutbar Lisa was sent home last week. Teeth are gnashed and garments rent. Is no one safe? Is nothing sacred?

Yet Lisa is promptly forgotten when the girls are introduced to British fashionista Jason. Jason's sole purpose in life (or at least on "ANTM," same diff) is to herd our gamine five onto a double-decker bus for a motoring tour of London. The group will be observing statutes. Why? Well, statues hold positions for a really long time. Just like -- wait for it -- TOP MODELS!

Duly impressed, the girls gasp in wonder at these magnificent works of art, seeming for all the world as if they'd never actually seen the sculpted likeness of a person before. Strolling through Regents Park the models stumble across Miss J. standing all statue-like on a podium and they shriek with ill-contained delight. Miss J. shrieks back and divulges the day's challenge for anyone who has been completely asleep at the wheel thus far: it's posing like a statue!

Yes, this so-basic-it-hurts skill in the Top Model's repertoire -- right up there with bitchslapping the help, starving and hoovering coke off a car key in the bathroom at Koi -- naturally throws our gals for a loop. Airbrushed with metallic make up, they balance on a podium and get mauled by pigeons while Miss J. shouts words of encouragement. Or something.

The girls all do fine. Nik is particularly, ahem, fierce. Nicole holds down the other end of the spectrum, wailing and crying as if winged rats have landed on her. Afterwards she is "totally humiliated" by her ordeal (we think she means "traumatized," but whatever) and will not shut up about it. Nik wins the challenge and a 15k shopping spree at Harrods; she can take two girls with her and picks Bre and Jayla.

Back at the hotel Nicole is making Bre mental. When Bre realizes some of her cereal bars are missing she has a complete meltdown and blames it on wide-eyed, pigeon-hating Nicole. More confusing is Bre's attachment to said food items; doesn't she know Top Models don't eat? In a sad and pathetic act of retaliation, Bre creeps into Nicole's room and empties out a couple cans of Red Bull. Oh, burn! If this whole modeling thing doesn't work out, we hear Dr. Evil is looking for a sidekick.

Nicole sheds more tears in the morning and meddlesome Kim has to pry her way into the middle of the brouhaha. Things come to a head at the photo shoot, where the girls have to "re-create classic works of art" by just kinda sitting there and bringing the pretty. Leonardo da Vinci never had it so good. Kim continues to not leave well enough alone, confronting Bre about replacing the Red Bull. Bre is having none of her nosy common sense and shows her the hand; when Nicole tries to talk to Bre she gets the same remorseless and unrepentant treatment. Apparently nothing is as important to Bre as the integrity of her cereal bars.

Which begs the question: what the heck kind of cereal bars were they, and where can we get some?

Finally the girls meet up with Tyra, et al, to hear their fates. Nicole's shoot is deemed good, not great, with some points knocked off for being a big wuss with pigeons. Nic gets thumbs up all around for her shoot as well as her statuary challenge. Kim is well-liked but a lackluster performance, Jayla's photogenic but had a little diva attitude at the shoot. Bre, finally, is given high marks at first by the judges until L'Affaire du Granola Bar comes to light. She juts her chin out, claims she's "perfect" but later admits, okay, maybe she was wrong to go all medieval on Nicole's energy drinks.

The judges debate and call our cabal of glamazons back in. Our Final Two on the chopping block are Kim and Bre and it couldn't be more obvious who's going home. But wait: not so fast! A sobbing, hysterical Bre is handed her photo by the Tower of Tyra and lives to see another Top Model sunrise.

Kim? Not so lucky. But then, she has also escaped the land of empty Red Bull cans. Things could be worse.

Lisa Jenkins thinks models have it easy and should be able to replace their own cereal bars.